Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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