I love black thongs
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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