I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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