Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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