Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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