you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
