I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
