Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The Olympian is in my bed
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
