Your face is a jimmy john
You smell like stripper and shame
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
