I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
why is half of my head shaved?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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