Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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