I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So much rum. So many feels.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
