can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
