thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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