i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
