I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize