On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
