whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
