I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
