we have pet lesbian snakes
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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