The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I want her autograph on my taint
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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