so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
