Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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