where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
