He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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