Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
