It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize