You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
