Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
