I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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