she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
