between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
