chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
