Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i barfeds in our rink
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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