You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
