omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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