So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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