my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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