I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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