Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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