Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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