don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I did not marry a roomba.
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