You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
