my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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