I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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