grandma shit on top of the toilet
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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