It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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