I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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