my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
