My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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