Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
