i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
