even my farts smell like vagina
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
