Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
