Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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