I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just gargled with NyQuil
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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