fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
