I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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