Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize