Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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