Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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