Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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