We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I could fuck to npr.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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