this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
